Hair follicles are so overrated. On this momentous Be Bald and Free Day of 2014, let us rid ourselves of wigs, weaves, toupees, hats, and the like — and be proud of the spotless domes our mamas gave us.
For You Hirsute Folk
If you want to be a mane drag, play it safe like the masses, if you like. Go right ahead and play out your Repunzel-like fantasies with your pick of Victoria Secret models, the Real Housewives, and even Jared Leto. And for you shameless woolly mammoths, get a fan while you’re at it! (Yawn.)
For You Trend Setters
Oh wait, so you claim you want to be “funky,” ay? You think you’re a tough cookie, trying to be trendy and all? Puh-leeze. You know what you are? You’re just a bunch of “Semi-Shavers,” that refuses to pick a side. You belong to the likes of Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus, and even Brad Pitt (re: his newest flick, Fury). Hair today, forgotten tomorrow.
For You Bold, Brave, and Bald
But for you who shave it all to be seen! You are truly the brave and heroic! And surely the sexiest around, oh my! Why? Because to be bald is to be bold, beautiful, vulnerable, strong, mysterious, and godly! We fall at your feet, bow our heads, and unclamp our raised hands to reveal our most technologically sophisticated four-bladed razors as an offering. Shave us to your liking!
Before we fill your scalp with ecstasy through our curated bodacious baldies photo gallery, here’s a bald-ridden beatitude, from 19th century English poet Matthew Arnold:
“Bald as the bare mountain tops are bald, with a baldness full of grandeur.”