These top five newsmakers of the week are singing, partying & procreating.
This was a lousy week to be a pop star. Three singers who were already no strangers to scandal, found themselves at the center of new controversies. It was a much better week for royalty, as a prince celebrated a big birthday in style. It was the best week ever for two movie stars. They blended their gene pools to create a spectacular new human being. Meanwhile, if you missed half of these vitally important pop cultural milestones because you were busy working. Don’t worry. This handy celebrity digest will catch you up. Here are this week’s top five celebrity newsmakers:
Your Invitation to Prince Harry’s 30th Birthday Party Got Lost in the Mail
Britain’s royal bad boy is finally growing up. Wednesday, Prince Harry celebrated his 30th birthday with a black-tie soiree at Clarence House in London. The guests included his ex-girlfriend Cressida Bonas, singer Ellie Goulding, and of course, his brother Prince William. Poor Kate Middleton missed all the fun because, as with her first pregnancy, she is suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum, a severe form of morning sickness. Allegedly, the event was originally scheduled for last weekend, but Harry postponed it in the hope that his sister-in-law would be well enough to attend. Showing consideration for his family, forging a friendship with his ex—turning 30 has certainly mellowed Harry. (It was just two years ago he was drunkenly racing Ryan Lochte at a Las Vegas pool party.) While Harry’s maturation is undoubtedly a good thing for the British monarchy, it’s disappointing to those of us who enjoy reading about his antics. Fortunately, there’s another royal troublemaker waiting in the wings. In ten months, young Prince George will hit the Terrible Twos.
Rihanna Learns that Football Has a Zero Tolerance Policy for Angry Tweets
The start of the NFL season has been marred by reports of numerous domestic violence incidents involving players. The league cannot decide how long it should suspend players for hitting women and children. But CBS has decided that a woman who survived domestic violence has no place on its Thursday Night Football broadcasts. The network announced to great fanfare that Rihanna and Jay Z’s song “Run This Town” would be the musical theme of its new football telecasts. When the videotape of Ray Rice hitting his then –fiancée in an elevator surfaced, CBS made some last minute changes so that it could address the scandal. This included pulling Rihanna’s song. The network acknowledged that it made the decision, in part because of her past abusive relationship with singer Chris Brown. Upset, she tweeted, “CBS you pulled my song last week, now you wanna slide it back in this Thursday? NO, F— you! Y’all are sad for penalizing me for this…. The audacity.” CBS responded by yanking the song permanently, saying in a statement, “moving in a different direction.” If CBS really wants to make a statement about domestic violence, maybe it should use Rihanna and Eminem’s hit duet “I Love The Way You Lie”, which tackles the issue of domestic violence head-on, as the new Thursday Night Football theme song.
Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” Turns Out to Be a Description of His Ethics
The rapid decline and fall of Robin Thicke’s career continued this week. This time last year he was on top of the world. His hit “Blurred Lines” was the Song of the Summer of 2013, though its lyrics were criticized for being sexist. Since then, his marriage to actress Paula Patton fell apart because she discovered he was cheating on her. He wrote a new album, Paula, as an attempt to win her back. It was a failure both as an apology and as a commercial venture. Nobody bought. Now he has admitted that he didn’t even write “Blurred Lines.” On Monday, a lawsuit deposition was made public in which he said, “I was high on Vicodin and alcohol when I showed up at the studio. So my recollection is when we made the song, I thought I wanted — I — I wanted to be more involved than I actually was by the time, nine months later, it became a huge hit and I wanted credit. So I started kind of convincing myself that I was a little more part of it than I was… But the reality is, is that Pharrell had the beat and he wrote almost every single part of the song.” The worst part of this revelation is that it means that Pharrell, whose current hit is the sweet, innocent ‘Happy”, is actually kind of a perv.
Hey, Girl: Ryan Gosling Is Your Daddy
Movie star, heartthrob and internet meme Ryan Gosling is now a father. He and his girlfriend Eva Mendes welcomed a daughter on Friday, September 12th. The baby became public knowledge this week. The low-key couple managed to keep Mendes’s pregnancy a secret until July. They’re being equally discreet now. They have not released any photos or revealed the baby’s name. However, it’s safe to assume that it she is one of the most beautiful babies on earth and that Gosling has already chopped down a tree and built her a crib with his bare hands. Congratulations to the happy couple. Our sympathies to the millions of women who are now grieving the loss of the imaginary babies they fantasized about having with Gosling.
Miley Cyrus Manages To Offend a Whole New Demographic
Miley Cyrus got another step closer to her goal of offending everybody on Earth this week when a Mexican state legislature charged her with desecrating the Mexican flag. During a performance on Mexican Independence Day, Cyrus wore a giant fake foam butt while two of her backup dancers whipped her with a Mexican flag. The Nuevo Leon legislature approved a warrant for the Interior Ministry to fine her $1200 and detain her for up to thirty-six hours for violating local laws governing use of the flag. Unfortunately, no nation has any laws forbidding giant fake butts.