This week celebrities filed for divorce, admitted they were married, were subjected to Internet hoaxes, found the strength to leave bad relationships and bonded with home intruders.
Almost all of these stories were, at their heart, shining examples of how the cynicism of the entertainment industry can taint even the most talented performers. So wade into the muck of the first four items in this week’s gossip round up then cleanse yourself in the deep blue waters of Keanu Reeves’s publicly accessible swimming pool.
Kris & Bruce Jenner Very Publicly File for Divorce
There are a few celebrity couples whose long, healthy marriages inspire us all to believe in true, lasting love. Fortunately, they’re all still together. But Kris and Bruce Jenner are calling it quits. Each half of the dynamic duo personified the American Dream. Bruce became a national hero when he won the Olympic decathlon, then figured out how to monetize his fame with numerous celebrity endorsements. Kris had the raw, ruthless ambition to use her daughter’s sex tape to create a reality show empire, making her entire family live a heavily edited and scripted version of The Truman Show.
Bruce was painted as a buffoonish, ineffectual patriarch while Kris was the wise mother who doled out advice to her daughters about their producer-created romantic dilemmas. But now that her biggest cash cow, Kim, has legitimately married legitimate A-list celebrity Kanye West, it’s Mama Rose’s turn. Rumors that their marriage was troubled, probably planted by Kris herself, popped up on TMZ coupled with unflattering post-plastic surgery photos of Bruce that implied he was seeking to change his gender. This week, Kris finally filed divorce papers. Have their years of reality stardom finally killed their real love for each other, or is it all just a storyline for the upcoming season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Why not both?
Jeremy Renner’s Marriage Is a Secret No More
As one celebrity marriage falls, another must rise. It’s the Yin and Yang of Hollywood. Actor Jeremy Renner proved he is the precise opposite of Kris Jenner when he revealed he secretly married his longtime girlfriend Sonni Pacheo at some point in the past year. This week, in an interview with the relatively obscure Washington D.C. magazine Capitol File, the actor admitted he made it legal after the reporter simply, with no apparent prompting, asked if he had married the mother of his child. He had good reason to keep it on the DL, explaining, “I have tried to protect my family’s privacy, my wife’s privacy. I don’t need her to get hammered with my life.” It’s a sweet sentiment tempered only slightly by the knowledge that his Oscar-bait movie Kill The Messenger will be released October 10th and that “accidentally” revealing this tidbit about his personal life would ensure that it would be mentioned on every major entertainment site without seeming self-serving. Congratulations, Jeremy, on both your marriage and your next level PR game.
Emma Watson Schools the U.N. on Feminism, Gets Trolled by Slytherin
Emma Watson proved that it is possible for actors to speak out on political issues without coming across as pretentious or self-aggrandizing. The star of the Harry Potter movies addressed the United Nations on behalf of the gender equality initiative heforshe.org, making an eloquent speech about feminism. She made the salient point that men are as trapped by rigid gender roles as women are, arguing that equality will benefit everybody. She also encouraged people not to be afraid to refer to themselves as feminists. The U.N. delegates responded with thunderous applause. Women and entertainment websites sang her praises. Then a website named EMMAYOUARENEXT sprang up claiming that an infamous message board called 4Chan was going to release nude photos of her in “retaliation.”
It seemed plausible at first, given that stolen nude photos of many other actresses have flooded the Internet in recent weeks. However, some Internet sleuths on Reddit, discovered that the site used the same server as Rantic Marketing, a fake viral marketing company created by Internet pranksters Social Vevo, who were responsible for a similar hoax about the television show Family Guy last year. Sure enough, a couple days later visitors to the site found a message claiming that tweeting about the site would help shut down 4Chan. Threatening to release nude pictures to protest the release of nude pictures is so cynical that by comparison Kris Jenner is sincere.
Sarah Hyland Files for Restraining Order Against Abusive Boyfriend
Emma Watson’s speech was all too relevant for Sarah Hyland. The star of Modern Family filed a restraining order against her longtime boyfriend Matt Prokop. The actress revealed that Prokop physically and verbally abused her on numerous occasions. Her TV mom Julie Bowen witnessed several incidents and encouraged her to leave him. When Hyland asked Bowen to help her “peacefully’ break up with him, Prokop threw a lighter at her. The final straw was when Prokop’s counselor at a rehab center warned her that he believed Prokop might hurt her after his release. The silver lining to this awful story is that that both Hyland’s friends and the public are supporting her. After weeks of the NFL and its fans acting like Ray Rice’s wife somehow caused her own beating, it’s refreshing to see domestic violence treated like the serious crime that it is. Of course, cynics might say that it’s only because this time, the victim is more famous than the abuser.
Insane Women Can’t Resist the Siren Call of Keanu Reeves’s House
This week there was one celebrity this week who was nothing but genuine: Keanu Reeves. The laid back movie star found a strange woman sitting in a chair in his library. She apparently broke into the house while he was asleep. He approached her perhaps musing to himself, “You ever have that feeling where you’re not sure if you’re awake or still dreaming?” and asked her why she was there. The answer was not because she was looking for a good book. She explained that she had embarked on an excellent adventure so that she could meet him. Reeves stayed cool and called 9-1-1. The woman was charged with trespassing then sent for a much-needed psychological evaluation.
Two days later, a different woman entered his house through an unlocked gate, courtesy of an inattentive cleaning crew, while Reeves was out. In this case she decided to take a shower in Reeves’s bathroom — perhaps using some of his presumably high end artisanal toiletries — then went skinny dipping in his pool. Though her shower-then-swim routine would please a YMCA pool supervisor, it was still trespassing. The cleaning crew called Reeves, who then called 9-1-1, again. If this were a movie, he would have spoken to the same dispatcher, and they would have ended up falling in love after he wooed her by orchestrating a series of increasingly bizarre emergencies. But since we’re talking real life, the woman was just detained on a psychological hold, hopefully in a different ward than the first intruder to prevent them from exchanging notes. It’d be understandable if Reeves decided to take the blue pill and forget this entire week.